Always Her
by Darkness's Angel
Summary: You would never love me the way I loved you. It wasn’t because you were incapable, it wasn’t because you didn’t care, it was always because of one thing: Her.


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Always Her

Summary: You would never love me the way I loved you. It wasn't because you were incapable, it wasn't because you didn't care, it was always because of one thing: Her.

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

I loved you. Simple as that. Part of me still does, but you already know that, don't you. In fact, you have always known, yet you still do not acknowledge it, after all these time.

I always wondered why I wasn't good enough. I always wondered why you never felt the same. Was I not pretty enough? Was I not sweet enough? Did I not care enough? I just wanted to know why I was never good enough for you. The thing is though, part of me knew, I still know now. The reason I wasn't good enough, the reason I wasn't pretty enough, the reason why I was not sweet enough all comes down to one simple answer: Her.

It was always her. She could make you smile with just one glance. She could make you angry with one word. It was her that could make your lovely, hazel eyes dance with amusement, never I. It pained you that she hated you for so long, but I know that if I had hated you, it would not have made a difference.

Her with her perfect, red hair, shimmering, emerald green eyes, clear, pale complexion. The girl that everyone loved, especially you.

I tried to deny it. Tried to give myself some sort of false hope that maybe it was me, you were thinking of, but I always knew it wasn't.

When we are together, I know it's her you wish I was. I know that when you put your arms around me, you are silently hoping that when you pull away, you'll see red hair cascading down my back, instead of the dark blonde that is there. I know that when you hold my hand, you wish it was hers. I know that when you kiss me, it's really her that you imagine.

I'm not stupid, nor am I blind. I can see the looks you give her in class, or in the halls, or at meals. They are exactly like the one that you are giving her now. You think I don't notice though, you think that I couldn't possible care, that I couldn't see it, but I do, I always do.

She captured your heart, and you have never gotten it back, and I like so many others, have tried to take it from her, so that I may call it my own, so that you could be mine, but like all the others, I have failed. For she still has it, and I fear that she always will.

You are holding me now, unconsciously rubbing small circles on my arm, but I know that even though physically you are here with me, that mentally and emotionally you are with her across the room. Even though you are my boyfriend James, and I am your girlfriend, it's her you want, it's always been her.

Ha, what a laugh. I suppose I can not really even call you that can I? For you are not truly mine. The only thing I have is the title of being yours, but not the emotions to back it up. Those belong to her.

I can't change that, no matter how hard I try. For it will never be me you sneak glances at, with that loving look you only reserve for her. It will never be me you want to be with. It will never be me you truly ever kiss. It will never be me that you really ever hold. It will never be of me that you dream.

I can not take it any more James, I can not play this game. I know you love her, you know you love her, everyone knows you love her. I refuse to play the fool again.

I know what I have to do. I think I have always known. Even though it will hurt, even though I know part of me will pine for you, the same way you pine for her, I know I have to let it go, let you go.

A tear slides down my face, and for the first time all night, you notice. You brush it away, and ask what's wrong? I say nothing. Instead, I stand up, and look at you, heartbreak filling my eyes. "It's over James," I say to you. You look at me like I have gone insane, yet I can see the relief in your eyes. I turn around and walk away, knowing your eyes are on my back, as I head back to my own Common Room.

A week later, I see you and her. She's laughing at something you said, and your smiling because she's happy with you. You don't notice I'm there however, your attention is all on her, like it always is, like it always was. That's when I know I made the right choice. For even though it still hurts, and I love you still, you heart and soul have always belonged to her. You and I wouldn't have lasted, because of her.

I turn away, and walk towards the lake. A tear rolls down my face, and this time you aren't there to wipe it away, this time, you aren't there to comfort me, this time, you aren't there to make me smile. You aren't there this time, because of her.

This time, you will wipe away her tears, you'll comfort her, you'll make her smile. For the first time, it actually hits me like a ton of bricks. I have always known it was there, but this time, I finally have to acknowledge it.

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It was always her.

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Author's Note - This was written for a friend, and based upon two sets of feelings, on two situations that were very similar, yet completely different. This was also my first Lily/James one-shot, even though it's point of view is from one of James's ex-girlfriends. Hope you all liked it! Please review and let me know what you thought!


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